the real life office

time for another installment of “alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day”

-boston college graduation traffic.  stupid.  out of towners honestly thinking their gps systems will help navigate them in the city (rarely works well).  in the process of fiddling with their toys, they almost hit oncoming traffic (aka: me and the hundred something other commuters)

-espresso/coffee machines: they’re always broken.  i don’t care anymore.

-why am i beginning to come to the conclusion that adults are worse than children?  you can teach kids the lesson of cleaning up after themselves.  they may cry for a bit, but you can reason with them and they learn to pick up their messes.  adults just bitch and moan about it and eventually the same 2 people end up cleaning everything up.  i don’t care anymore.

-please don’t change our delivery schedule.  why did you do that?  son of a jesus sanchez!  now i’m going to have to hear people complain (just like i am, you’re thinking?  yes.  exactly.)

-i’m listening to the most nostalgic mix of late ’80s/early ’90s music including the jets, klymaxx, lisa lisa and the cult jam, nkotb, debbie gibson, janet jackson, paula abdul, lionel richie, expose and brenda russell.  i love it.

-there was no pretzel bagel.  it’s my favorite.  after interrogating me as to why you haven’t yet received the check i mailed out, the least you could’ve done was included my favorite bagel.

-no one else likes low fat cream cheese, so i will probably not be making it top priority to make more of the regular cream cheeses low fat.

-the alarm company is totally screwing with me and everyone today.  way to go guys… appreciate it.  between random alarms going off and the door locking and unlocking, you’re really on top of things.

-putting up a note and not telling anyone will not solve problems.

-does anyone plan ahead anymore?  answer: no.

-i don’t feel well.  i totally have a fever.  i want to go back to bed.

come on baby, let’s get away.  save our troubles for another day.

why won’t someone take me on an escapade?

thurs

weird dude walks by the office, staring at me. no lie. staring. he doesn’t work at my company, so i just assume that i can ignore him… but he kept staring.

fast forward and one of my coworkers comes walking back from a break…with the creepy, stalking, staring guy!!!!!

“he wanted me to introduce him to you”

sure enough, he did just that. in her defense, she came up and apologized to me later saying that he started to follow her in and she couldn’t come up with a fast enough excuse as to why she couldn’t introduce us.

rumor now has it that this guy is looking into possibly applying for a position here. yeah… no.

to really bring this one home… the other fed ex guy called me sharon. i don’t know if that’s just their go to name or if i should just change my name.
fri

longest day in the history of ever. creepy dude walked by the office at least 4 times. i came in late because i had to go to preschool first. that part of the day was awesome. i wish i could’ve stayed. at least they get nap time.

it was pay day, which meant that stubs were flying all over the place and people were claiming things were missing, etc.

clearly i’m cheating and writing this on monday… this means that friday is a completely lost memory now.

when guest arrive, i ask them who they’re meeting with and then immediately ask if they’d like any water, coffee or tea.  most people decline my offer, which is fine.

here’s where it bothers me:

don’t tell me that you’re all set and don’t want anything from me and then when the appropriate person arrives to bring you back to chat and they inevitably ask the same question.  without even letting them finish, almost half of the people that just denied me the opportunity to leave my desk and walk about to fetch them their beverage say “sure.  a water would be great!”

why would a water be great now and not 45 seconds ago when i asked you?!

do i have cooties?!  jesus sanchez.

he walked in with a canvas bag that was clearly not empty.

“i’ve been slacking lately,” he explained.  i was puzzled by this statement.  i didn’t really know how to respond, so i waited patiently for him to continue.

“i got you a gift!”

he was so excited and nervous.  i slapped on a smile and tried to put him at ease with my own excitement and nervousness.  i mean, who doesn’t like a present?!  as he reached for the contents of the bag in hand, i prepared myself for an appropriate reaction.

“i haven’t been getting my lunch at panera lately and i know how happy these make you,” he explained.  i then found being passed to my hands a jar of kosher dill pickles.  that’s right.  a coworker felt so bad about not providing me with my sporadic surprise snack that he bought me a jar of my very own baby dills.

i’m so lucky to have such a sweet pickle prince.

after being mislead online by the amount of letter trays that were in each order, i found myself on hold with the supply company.  as i waited for my customer service representative to return with my rma number, i heard a familiar tune.  it wasn’t what one would expect to hear while passing time on the phone; certainly not with an office supply company.

and i will do you right
just make a wish, on your night

i immediately found the song in my memories of youth, thanks to my sister and her eternal fandom towards this group.

boyz II men.  “i’ll make love to you”

i collapsed in a fit of laughter.  what else was i supposed to do?

“is your hair red?”

a simple question.  i giggled.

“not naturally, but yes.”

“have you always dyed it red?”

“i did it last in february”

“oh…”

i awkwardly giggled more to fill the space of silence.

finally i asked why…

“i have an appreciation for red heads”

he bends down, lifts his pant leg up and displays a animated red headed fighting character tattooed on his skin, all muscle and punch.

how does one respond to that?  thankfully the phone rang and i didn’t have to.

i almost forgot.

i received a junk email about “cocktail rings” being 25% off.

i’ll let you mull over that one yourself as to what i read that as the first time through.

i can schedule your events, but i can’t make you do them.  just so you know.

i heard the phrase “that thing makes ballsy coffee”.  i love the use of “ballsy” like that.

when i went back to tell a coworker that a man holding a piece of wood was here to see him, another coworker came back with “i have a piece of wood… and it’s just for you.”

the conversation went into whether or not one could eat wood.

that’s when you walk away.

i’ve walked more in the last 16 hrs than i have in a long time and my legs now are sore when i’m just sitting at my desk.  it’s not an enjoyable experience.  i think i have somewhere around 4 miles under my belt.

this is going to be a long week.  the last night of my “rock block” is tonight… thank jesus sanchez.  it’s been a good run, but i’m looking forward to having my life back.

my life being: american idol dinners with my friends (this includes tea and cupcakes)

yes.  that is my social life when i don’t have shows to go to and i’m happy about that.

i’m sure i’ll be more productive at work too.  maybe.  i’ve actually been productive i think.  yay me!

i may have just burped into the phone.  i’m not sure.  i couldn’t tell.

awkward.

concentration goes out the window today.

i leave you only with the following death cab quote:

“fear is the heart of love”

i have tomorrow off and they’re having a temp come in to cover.  i have to train them this afternoon.  i’m that important.

tonight’s goal is to create a picture collage including all the guys i’ve made out with over the last few years.  a few coworkers are trying to set me up and they don’t believe me when i say that i don’t have much of a “type”.  my only requirement is that they’re taller than me.  i’m easy?

i told a coworker that they looked “delicious”. bring it back, people… just don’t tell HR.

i hate training people.  this will take me 5 mins.  she’ll be here for 2 hours.

there is a candy wrapper pinned to my wall that says “you’re allowed to do nothing”.  thank you, dove promises.  i needed some confirmation on that.

the friday mentality is really getting to me today.  i’m sorry for my coworkers having to deal with this.

most of the time, i wish is were more acceptable to go skipping around the office instead of walking.

i think people would be happier.

aaaannndddd

i just swore someone was walking by with a box of tampons…

but it was a dude.  and it was a box of drink mix packets.

i don’t have a poker face.  someone gave me a half bag of skittles and the other guy said “awww”.  i turned about as red as the packaging and couldn’t stop giggling to answer the question of the man standing in front of me.

after having the back and forth of “that sucks”/”this does suck” with the president of the company for a few mins, i get handed what i believe is a card of porn.  apparently this kid is throwing some sort party.  i don’t know.  it looks ghetto.  is that okay to say?

i’m pretty sure i just heard someone exclaim something that i’ve only heard on scooby doo before.

what is going on with this monday?  part of me wants to be saved, but i’m enjoying just rolling with the punches on this one.

sometimes my brain works too fast or it cross communicates what it wants to say with what is actually said and something completely ridiculous comes out of my mouth.

what i was trying to say:
either “i’ll stay on top of it” or “i’ll remind him to look at it”

what i ended up saying:
“i’ll stay on top of him to look at it”

yup.  i’ll stay on top of him.
*head desk*

other than that, i’ve decided no one… no one should be this happy on a monday morning.  and i’m completely swamped.  what gives?!

i’ve been renewed with the passion for the life i used to live.  i missed my youth and suddenly it came knocking at my door.  office hours be damned.  may is turning to be the month of rock.  returning to my old life makes me happy.  i’m sure this will change when i’m half dead and coming into work at 8:30am.  you can shoot me then.

4:30.

i have a headache.

i learned today that my time in not as valuable as others. that’s right. me being busy beyond belief means nothing to certain people.  tasks that they can’t be bothered with are not a problem for me.  and i can read minds, too.  i didn’t know that either.  oh wait, i can’t read minds?  now i remember.  no.  i can’t.  sorry.

sometimes people plan ahead.  sometimes they don’t.  when they don’t, they forget that snapping their fingers doesn’t get them very far and only makes the stress of all the last minute rush worse.

dealing with executives (and some coworkers in general) is worse than dealing with children.  i said it.  i made the comparison to teaching a kid to put away its toys.  if you, as the grown up, continue to clean up after them, they’ll never learn how to pick up after themselves; they’ll always expect someone to come sweeping up the dust behind them.  you just have to leave the mess.

the problem is, sometimes you have very important guests coming in and get told by the president to come in early the next day to make sure everything is in tip top shape.  this includes cleaning up everyone’s messes.  catch. 22.

this week has just been hellish.  i hate the idea of treating people differently because of status.  i never understood the concept of spending hours slaving away to “tidy up” so that someone could be impressed.  don’t get me wrong, i get the fact that i have to twist my way of thinking to what my bosses and companies want me to do.  i’ll dress up and look nice when the occasion calls for it, but you’ll never see me go too far out of my comfort zone with that one.  from time to time i get adventurous (read: lipstick), but overall i’m pretty much a plain jane.  and i like it that way.  i’m very “what you see is what you get”.  i don’t pull too many punches.  i have no poker face.

either way, the week has been hell.  on top of personal stresses that will continue for the next two weeks or so, the whole hoopla of the guests coming into the office (and really the actions of those at the office) has just crushed my spirit.  thank jesus sanchez it’s friday!

it’s actually friday morning now.  i started this at 4:30 thursday.  i was blinded by a headache and barely made it to staying up to watch some shows.  i was kept up by charlie horses and now i have to go put on a nice outfit that requires high heels.  i’m not really supposed to wear jeans today.  whatevs.

yesterday had so many things to share.  the fed ex guy asking me, by my correct name-not sharon, if i liked the movie on golden pond.  my trip to walgreens.  my continuous push of asking people if anyone they know is single.  making gift bags and curling ribbon.  the wall of awesome.

i guess they’ll just have to wait.  i just hope i live to tell the stories.